On Your Face x Glynn Vivian: Queer Reflections, 2022

I was drawn to this porcelain plate by Nantgarw China Works (1818-25) for the detailed illustrations of flowers – the pansies in particular. The meaning behind this word, “Pansy” is what ignited me to choose this piece as a catalyst.

I got in touch with Nantgarw China Works where they have recreated the porcelain body after having no records of the recipe for over 200 years.  I thought it would be interesting to use the same clay body used to make the plate I am responding to. The nature of having functional wares heavily glazed with lead-based enamels means they stop being functional and become something else. A decorative object. An object bearing a message. An object to come out to your dad.

Pansy:
noun: pansy; plural noun: pansies

a violet, Viola tricolour hortensis, cultivated in many varieties, having richly and variously coloured flowers.

an effeminate or gay man. A man who is seen as unmasculine, timid, or affected.

In contrast to the connotations in English, Pansy in Portuguese in known as ‘Amor-Perfeito’ which directly translates to ‘Perfect Love’. I often like to title my work with Portuguese words, phrases or proverbs, as many personal memories and thoughts are ingrained to these words. This was the perfect opportunity to have a personal message said to my father and having it transcribed in the language I would speak with him.
 
This contrast in meaning between the two translations interests me, in the way how words can be reclaimed, especially talking about the context of the queer community, “Queer” being one of those words. Words have powerful impacts but also depends on the way they are delivered and how they are perceived. With this in mind, there is a blurriness in meaning with the connotations attached to the work, parallel to what is perceived by my father and what is perceived by me.
 
I vividly recall a memory of him playing with me and my brother when we were younger and him not being aware of how strong he was when either tickling or grabbing us. I would always moan at him for not knowing how to tickle us and he would always state how I was made out of porcelain and I was too fragile. Feels a little funny to be working with porcelain now.
 
I came out to my brother first in 2017 and soon after to my mother who balled her eyes out knowing her aspirations for me have vanished. I don’t know where I plucked the courage from but I felt ready to come out to my father straight after. Mum was not supportive of the idea so that courage quickly perished.
 
I moved out to Cardiff in 2015 to study. My parents live about a three hour drive away from where I am based, but I try to visit them often. A little less as the years have gone by but at least every 3 months I do go and see them, and every time I do, I think I should sit my dad down and have the talk. I live completely different lives when I am in Cardiff and when I am with them. It has become so tiring to have this switch turned on as soon as I visit them.
 
Receiving the invite to be part of the On Your Face Collective and the intention of queering the collection at the Glynn Vivian got me feeling all sorts. This has been the first time where I would be involved with a public facing project where something that is so personal to me would be out there for anyone to see, read and interpret, including my father.
 
With my work, I often like to have elements hidden away and by not telling the context of the whole project allows me this sense of secrecy and privacy; however I felt it was the perfect opportunity to create this piece as a pinpoint to have one of my most important talks I have ever had, where my dad’s perception of me would change.
 
Throughout this project there was a lot of speculation about me coming out to my dad. With submission deadlines for labels and text needing to be done in advance, it prompted me to get ready to do what I set my self to do. On the evening of the 13th June, the night before I was coming back to Cardiff from a quick trip to see my parents, after so many years rehearsing continually through my head how I was starting this conversation, I was confronted with my dad alone and I ended up telling him.

-July 2022